i have been wanting to cut all day and i lost the letter i was going to post for izaak and i’ve been crying for about 6 hours and i know everyone in ips hates me and i don’t want to ever go back there because it’ll be too humiliating and izaak said he’d ring and hasn’t yet so i don’t know if he’s okay or not or has gotten ill from drinking or whether he’s just ignoring me because i’ve been such a selfish bitch all night asking for his attention and now i can’t find my prescription, meaning my new doctors won’t let me have my medication because they won’t have it on record and that will mean me vomiting and having such bad headaches until i can get hold of some, and probably my mood to get too fucking low
I don’t know if I can do this any more I’m such a fucking drain and waste of space
I want to cut so bad and so deep right now that’s all I can think of
feeling so down tonight
i was really looking forward to going out in ipswich tomorrow night, but the dress i was planning on wearing just makes me look like a state, a lumpy, wide, messy state
which means now i haven’t got anything to wear, because i was a complete idiot, sliced my arm up again and how have to wear long sleeves until it heals properly; and shops don’t make pretty dresses for girls covered in scars
which means one of two things, i either go out in a plain(ish) outfit with long sleeves and try to jazz it up a little, or just wear 3/4 length sleeves and have to ask with both the awkward stares and people trying to pussyfoot around the fact that i have 87 (yep, just counted) fresh cuts spanning my left forearm
ben already knows, and brennagh too.. but having to explain it to matt (who’s convinced he loves me) and also izaak and ryan is just going to be mortifying. especially because ryan and izaak are close with my ex-bffs, who think i’m doing well, but after they find out about this obvs not.
so instead of tomorrow night being really lovely and a nice laugh, it’s going to be awkward and will probably end up with me crying about my life in some damp nightclub loo, reeking of sambuca and self loathing.
i find it so hard to understand why people actually want to be my friend. i can honestly see no likeable features of me. i’m big, clumsy, awkward, unfunny and probably a whole heap of other things i’m unaware of that people laugh about behind my back.
i’m always certain that people are just being nice to either get something out of me or to get me in a situation where they can very easily rip the shit out of me.
all part of the great design or whatever