feeling so down tonight

i was really looking forward to going out in ipswich tomorrow night, but the dress i was planning on wearing just makes me look like a state, a lumpy, wide, messy state

which means now i haven’t got anything to wear, because i was a complete idiot, sliced my arm up again and how have to wear long sleeves until it heals properly; and shops don’t make pretty dresses for girls covered in scars

which means one of two things, i either go out in a plain(ish) outfit with long sleeves and try to jazz it up a little, or just wear 3/4 length sleeves and have to ask with both the awkward stares and people trying to pussyfoot around the fact that i have 87 (yep, just counted) fresh cuts spanning my left forearm

ben already knows, and brennagh too.. but having to explain it to matt (who’s convinced he loves me) and also izaak and ryan is just going to be mortifying. especially because ryan and izaak are close with my ex-bffs, who think i’m doing well, but after they find out about this obvs not.

so instead of tomorrow night being really lovely and a nice laugh, it’s going to be awkward and will probably end up with me crying about my life in some damp nightclub loo, reeking of sambuca and self loathing.

i find it so hard to understand why people actually want to be my friend. i can honestly see no likeable features of me. i’m big, clumsy, awkward, unfunny and probably a whole heap of other things i’m unaware of that people laugh about behind my back.

i’m always certain that people are just being nice to either get something out of me or to get me in a situation where they can very easily rip the shit out of me.

all part of the great design or whatever

sort of just had a weird epiphany kind of thing and i’m not going to let this crush me, yeah i have depression and anxiety and that’s going to hold me back to some extent, but my ex did what he did to me to make me feel worthless and shit like i do now, so why am i letting him have that satisfaction?

i am going to try and be something that i’ve always wanted to be, i’m going to be the best girlfriend ever and see kyle in every bit of spare time i can get, i’m going to be thin, toned and happy with my body, i’m going to do all that i can using oils and make up to get rid and mask the scars on my body and i’m going to try and be more confident and not hide behind my past.

i want to do this because if this doesn’t go to court and it all falls through, i still want him to feel like he’s lost out, because he may have some freedom, but i’m happy and i’m not going to let it show how much i was hurt in the past.

because that’s in the past, it happened and it’s going to make me a stronger and better person. he’s the evil one, and no amount of anything will erase the face of how abusive he was. he’ll always have that label. 

but i was never in the wrong, and i’m only just beginning to realise that it was never my fault and i need to be brave.

just suddenly felt awful, like really awful.

i just feel all of a sudden that everything is pointless, and all that i’m going through is just going to amount to nothing. everything that i’ve said, every sacrifice that i’ve made and all this anxiety i’m going through is just a lost cause.

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