to just get up, leave and find the nearest coffee shop. i’ll find a seat in the back somewhere, huddled in a secret cove. i just want to be somewhere that is unfamiliar to me, but where it’s quietly populated, with a low murmur of peoples voices. i like that kind of company.
i like the company of people. not the kind where i want to approach them, but just the kind where i’m around them, and they almost don’t know i exist. so i could slip away unnoticed, and no one would think twice about it.
i think maybe i’m afraid of being alone, the thought of the dark fills me with terror, and i can’t help but feel on edge when i’m walking alone at night. but at the same time, i cringe at the prospect of full-frontal conversation with people.
it’s strange. if you see me at a party, i will introduce myself to strangers and try my hardest to put on a masquerade of confidence and charm. but as soon as i am away, and behind closed doors, my mind begins to wander, over and over. i can’t help think that i’ve said something foolish, or came across as too eager to make friends. i can lay in bed for hours at night reviewing and analysing every part of a conversation.
i just can never get the balance right.
but sometimes i think how nice it would be to have coffee with a stranger. we would share nothing personal, and just chat, maybe awkwardly, maybe like we’d known each other for years. and then we could part, possibly forever, not being able to pin any identification onto them, but being able to feel happy inside just because of that little chat.
i’m kind of rambling now, and it’s so late. but now, it’s feeling like a ritual to pick apart the days encounters, even now i’m scanning my brain for silly things that i said or did. but at the same time, i’m just staring at my phone, willing it to light up and for someone just to ask me if i wanted to go for a drive or something.
i never know how to feel about people sometimes. faces are confusing. people are confusing. i’m terrified.
how are you doing after your break up? you must be so strong, im impressed i know i'd just be a mess. x
yeah, pretty well. it’s weird because we broke up on good terms, and both really decided that it was best for us to split seeing as we lived over 100 miles apart now. so, we’re still friends and talk a little.
but it has been hard, because it’s strange not having someone who will always be there no matter what. and sometimes i feel like i need someone again, who i can just text or something to tell them that i’ve had a bad day and just feel safe.
it’s strange, i’m finding it hard to explain what it’s like or how i’m doing really.
i think i'm going to chill with this hootowl thing for a bit.
i’ve changed back to monsterowl now as well, because that was only causing drama and lets face it, i was kind of bringing it on myself really. so first of all, i’m sorry for spamming your dashes with loads of hate from anons. it’s actually making me cringe, just thinking about it. i must have seemed really attention seeking and yeah, i’m sorry. like, really, really, truly sorry.
i’ll probably stop posting owl city related stuff too for a bit, i mean, i’ll still be a fan. but yeah, at the moment i just feel a little creepy being such a ‘dedicated’ fan i guess (and this isn’t just owl city, it’s most people who i’m fans of, like gaga).
i’ll still talk to the people who i’ve made friends with, and stuff, but at the moment i think it’s best if i take a back seat for a little while with everything.
so really, this is a kind of apology/explanation about why i probably wont me on much; and a thank you to every single one of you who sent me such lovely, lovely messages over the past few months. you’re all so great.