I never know how to start these things, it’s really just to outline why I post the things I do.
Firstly I love Owl City. Adam Young is such an inspirational human being, you’ll probably find so much stuff on this blog about him it’s unreal, Port Blue, Owl City, Sky Sailing… You’re bound to find a whole bunch of stuff about his projects scattered around. He’s changed my life, he’s made me feel more positive, and even though it’s been only a small change, I really thank him for it. It scares me how famous he’s getting but no matter what, I’ll always hold the email he sent me in 2008 dear to me, because just for one second, I was on his mind, thanking him for such beautiful and inspiring music. He’s my true idol.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and to clear things up, this isn’t the kind of ‘I cry a bit because things are a bit shitty’ kind of depression, it’s real, with doctors and pills and everything. I’m not going to write a massive sob story about it, but a I use this blog as a place just to write about how better or worse I’m feeling. A lot of it revolves around self-loathing and paranoia about others peoples’ views on me. I have so little self confidence, it’s unreal.
I guess an addition to this is that I suffer with an eating disorder. I’ve been suffering with it for about 7 years now, on and off, and it’s a constant battle between two sides of me. One side of me want to be thin, wants to fit into skinny girl clothes and wants to be in control. Whereas the other part of me just wants to be free of it, sometimes I don’t want to constantly worry about what I’m eating and how many calories I’ve consumed. But when I see willowy, skinny girls walking around all I want is to look like them. I hate being tall, and because I know I can’t get any shorter, I want to be smaller another way. Thinner. Skinny.
I take multivitamins and try to be as healthy as I possibly can with it, but I’m still taking diet pills. Have been for months. It costs a fair bit, but it keeps me sane. I know that even if I do binge, I have a safety net. Regardless of how small that is.
There are other issues too, I tend not to be able to keep friends very easily because of bullying in the past and I’m a horribly anxious person.
I’m terrified of sick and getting ill, heights, closed spaces (like cars, trains, tubes etc), huge places with loads of people and, I guess, people judging me.
I also kind of have pretty much on going dad issues. I’ll occasionally write a huge post about how much of a ‘terrible father’ he’s been. And I do feel guilty about it because I know that some people don’t have dads and stuff, but to me it feels like I don’t have one either.
He had an affair with my mum when I was about 2 and we moved to Trimley. Mum spiralled into depression and was suicidal and I saw as I was growing up how much he’d messed her up. He has a new family now, and even though he’s my dad, he doesn’t treat me like a daughter. More of maybe a friend’s daughter. Whenever I try and say something positive about me like maybe the new meds I’m on are working or that I got an A in an essay, he’ll smile, but never listen. It’s a false kind of smile. I know he’s happy with his new family and I just see myself as a horrible mistake that he’s had to put up with for the past 16 years. I know how much of my mum he sees in me and he hates it. I wish I could have a genuinely caring dad. I think more than anything, I wish for that.
I’m trying my hardest to be/sound normal. But I feel all my posts needed a bit more explanation.